Dealing with a Breakup or Divorce: Grieving and Moving on After a Relationship Ends
Recovering from an abusive and controlling relationship is difficult. Here are some From fear and despair towards "happy" after a coercive control relationship. Dating after divorce is tricky too, and I've found some things I think are the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues. Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breakup can be extremely Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. . more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on.
We all tend to make decisions based on past experiences. When a child burns his or her hands on a stove, they tend to stay away for it for a while to avoid having that experience again. The concept that the stove is hot and can cause pain is implanted in their belief system, which constantly reminds them that there is an element of danger attached to that appliance.
This is just one example of the many things that are implanted in this mental library at an early age.
Recovering Your Life After a Divorce
As we get older, we continue to add to this collection of information. When we start driving a car, we learn to gauge how far off an oncoming car needs to be before we try to make a left turn in front of it. If we have had a close call or an accident, with such a turn, we tend to become even more cautious about making left turns.
We have learned and stored the concept that our wellbeing might be endangered if we do not allow enough distance. Likewise, we store information in our belief system about people and relationships. Think back, for a moment, about the first person, outside your immediate family, that stirred an emotional interest in your heart.
This may have been when you were in grade school or when you were a little older. You might have shared a lot of things about yourself, feeling certain that they would never tell those things to someone else. When such things happen, it is common that people choose to share a little less about themselves with the next person in whom they took an interest. The more times we deal with these early life experiences, the more cautious we tend to become about similar situations in the future.
While you might find yourself a bit thoughtful about being hurt again, you decide to throw caution to the wind and take a chance! You fully invest yourself in this relationship and get married. This does not mean that you might hold just a few things back in that emotional commitment, based on past experience, but for the most part you fully invest yourself in this relationship. Then, as time goes by, perhaps many years later and after having children, things go south. Work to identify and concisely describe the big points of conflict where compromise proved elusive or impossible.
Try to figure out where your personality and values clashed with those of your spouse and where they were in harmony. Knowing this information will help you to figure out what qualities you will want in a future relationship and what qualities you will want to avoid.
With history in hand, make a list of the partner attributes your experience leads you to believe will make for a quality and lasting relationship, and then prioritize that list so as to focus in on those that are most important.
- Recovering Your Life After A Divorce
- Dealing with a Breakup or Divorce
If maintaining a balanced household budget is important to you, but wasn't to your ex-spouse, and this clash was a contributing factor to your divorce, you will probably want to make sure early on that any future partner shares your enthusiasm for budgeting. Use this list as a guide as you re-enter the dating world.
Let Go, Forgive, Embrace Change Having learned from past experience, the next challenge divorced people face is that of placing their divorce in the past and deciding to move forward with life. Like it or not, life has chapters. Divorce is the end of one important chapter, and potentially the beginning of another. However, the new chapter can only start when divorcees reach a point where they are ready to 'turn the page' and explore what their new life can become.
Divorce can thus trigger profound personal growth, new experiences and new attachments, or, alternatively, stagnation. It is also possible for both of these outcomes to be present at the same time. Whether someone flowers or stagnates emotionally post-divorce will depend on many factors, including the resiliency of their personality and mindset, the health of their support systems, and on whether they are successfully able to resolve ties that bind them in unhealthy ways to the now-defunct marriage.
Unresolved feelings of guilt and anger can become traps, as can feelings of victimization and resentment towards the ex-spouse. People sometimes feel that they can't let go of the past until 'justice' has been done.
A Grief Support Blog
The thing is, however, that the world is a messy, often unfair place, and obtaining justice is sometimes more trouble than it is worth. It is sometimes more practical to let go rather than to remain embroiled. Working via therapy, friends, journaling, etc. Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce: While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
Remember that moving on is the end goal — Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation.
Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward. Remind yourself that you still have a future — When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together.
After a breakup, it's hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones. Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression — Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift.
Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. Helping your kids during a breakup or divorce Children and Divorce: Helping Kids Cope When mom and dad split, a child can feel confused, angry, and uncertain as well as profoundly sad.
As a parent, you can help your kids cope with the breakup by providing stability and attending to your child's needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. Reach out to others for support Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce.
You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships. Frequent face-to-face contact is also a great way to relieve the stress of a breakup and regain balance in your life.
Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely.
Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. Get outside help if you need it. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.
Taking care of yourself after a breakup A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible.
Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a breakup.